Accepting disability

Most people aren't born disabled 15 % are born disabled, and 85% become disabled, whether through unforeseen circumstances, ill health or something else. Accepting your future may be changed forever, can be hard. My condition is progressive. I've lost balance, mobility and eyesight. As my muscles and my body weakens, I have to handle the pain and the fear myself. No one can do it for me. I've been told that 'there's nothing they can do' on numerous occasions. Each time, I've sunk into a deep pit of depression. Thankfully, my mum has always helped me claw out of it. People assume that those who are chronically ill or disabled just get on with it, that we're always as happy as we portray, that we don't grieve and miss the life we once dreamt of. Here's a secret - we, well, I (as I can only speak for myself), its true to an extent; we do just get on with it. I have been bullied for not being as fast as others and having A perceived lower intelligence due to my speech problems. I've had to be my own advocate, stand up for myself.

Over the years, I've lost friendships. Other people simply find my diagnosis too difficult to cope with. Another friend, who I'd known since childhood felt the blindness was too hard to deal with. It was hard. One day, they just abandoned me, never to be seen or heard from again. I didn't know what I'd done wrong. I even tried to reach out, only to be blanked. of course, these were not the only 'friends' to run. I see now that they were not good or true friends. Those who stick by us through the ups and downs of life. I appreciate love and the friends I do have so much. It took me a long time to accept that I am disabled. I used to avoid mentioning it and even went on a date, having not mentioned it as I didn't think the disability was a big deal. Needless to say, it was. He spent the whole time looking uncomfortable being seen with someone like me. He left before the coffee went cold. I've tried renaming disability with phrases like 'differently abled', but somehow, that's worse. I quite like 'person of many abilities'. Maybe its time to reassert my own connotations of the word disabled. The Paralympics proved that sport is open to everyone. its not just sport though, creative subjects like writing and art have helped me significantly. Yes it takes much longer and I need help, but its a way round it actually accepting my own disabilities, has been a long, difficult road. I have hit rock bottom more than once. With the support of people and technology, I can achieve things I never imagined. It may not be the life I dreamt of as a little girl, but it best I can do. What really helped me was studying fine art. Part of a module was examining the work of a local artist. In the gallery, i bumped into her, and after seeing my college art work, she invited me to be in her exhibition! For this, i focused my emotions towards the wheelchair into my art. what helped me accept my illness which is life-limiting, genetic and progressive was writing. For me, putting pen to paper was so therapeutic. i am still coming to terms with the sight loss. For a while after the prognosis of blindness, I sank into deep depression. I still slip sometimes. Its a battle I will have to live with. Since the visual impairment my music tastes have changed. When I had full sight, I liked rom-coms and pop music. But now enjoy music like the prog rock melancholy lyrics of anathema, the angry story telling iron maiden the roar of Metallica and many others have helped me cope. For a long time after the blindness prognosis, I put all of my paints and brushes away. In recent years, I’ve got them out. My visually impaired style of art is different. I can’t see whether what’s on the canvas matches like it does in my head, but i love creating them. My advice to anyone on this journey of disability acceptance is: * allow yourself time to grieve. *reach out to those who can help, it may be a counsellor, occupational therapist, physiotherapist or charity, whoever, if they can help, take it. * discover new passions or re-discover old ones shown through this, and other blog entries. Disability doesn't mean your life, joys and passions have to stop, you just find a new way.